I haven't written in a month! Bad Bad Zelda! So much has happened that my head is spinning when thinking about writing it all down, but it needs to be written.
The week end after Gaga's birthday I had another party. Actually I didn't but Friday evening I ended up not going to the mountains and so not having anything to do. That afternoon (Friday) I saw Emma at the coffee shop. Of course, as most fridays, Jake was sitting there too, standing up really nicely and going inside to say hello to me and yet us not talking too much. In the evening I went for drinks with Leah and Mathew and who comes walking in? Jake with a few friends that were all in the Resort during the vacation when it happened. This time Jake did not stand up for me or do much. In the club, same place Jake and co. were, I had a bad evening. Jake was flirting again with Agnes the sheep, I was not invited to any table and Emilia wanted to leave. I knew that if I left so soon I would cry when getting home. So I still took my jacket and headed for the door. In front of the door I said happy birthday to an old friend who wanted to date me, Danny. He invited me to his table back inside! I met his brother, a nice guy who gave me a lot to drink and I ended up drunk. Very drunk. I went over to Jake and asked:
"So do you like this girl?"
"Yeah I like her." he said.
"and what am I good for?"
"You're for uni." he dared to say to my face!
After that I was so pissed that I made out with Danny's brother and I wrote Jake drunk messages when getting home. I told him everything thing I thought and how stupid he was for not staying with me.
A month has passed since that happened! Vacation of course and the last days of skiing.
Last week end I stayed again in the city and I went out on Friday and Saturday. Friday was fun with my people, no drama banana! Liam is back and I saw him and I was over-happy! I kissed Collin, but I don't see it going any further than friendship because he's such a sweetheart but there's no chemistry!
Saturday night I had a drink with Liam, who seems to like me more than he says but who cannot approach me!
Then my group went to the club most popular people go to, and we sat in Vip and a friend-of-a-friend's table. I didn't see a lot of the usuals in the beginning, but when I stood near the entrance while walking with Chiara, Jake walks in.
I expected everything BUT the things that happened.
He came smiling and walking fast in to me, presenting my his best friend Julie and asking me how I was and that he needed to talk to me badly.
When we did talk, outside he came to me and took my hand to walk me there, he told me how sorry he was for acting like a jerk. He told me many things but I cannot remember in which order:
-He's happy I wrote the messages, He too is still interested in me.
-He ended it with Agnes, because he never was really interested, and only used her for practical reasons like making me jelous. She wanted to date and he said "It's not because I left Zelda to be single that I'm gonna start dating you." Mean, but I like it.
- He's sorry for pretty much everything and is still interested in me! When he left, he asked "are you still mad?" and I said "We'll see". WE'LL SEE!! I'm finally making him run and not the other way around! He answeres "Lets see each other next week end!" I said "I'm not here but you can always write if you want to see me."
And he was so cute, so touchy-touchy, so trying to show me he cared and that he was sorry, and I still made it to be nice but distant!!! I'm so proud of myself.
He did not write afterwards but I expected it anyway and I'm not mad.
What do I want now?? I love Collin as a person because he cares and writes and is sweet but I don't want much more than friendship. I love Liam because we have a connection and I think that there could be chemistry, but he does nothing except act like an attracted friend! And of course there's Jake. I don't know what to think! Of course I care so so so much about him and love him a lot but I'm not sure we're going anywhere together except to uni. I would love to have him now though, I miss his touch, but I miss it less than I did a month ago. Those tears have dried.
"We need to find the courage to say NO to the things and people that are not serving us if we want to rediscover ourselves and live our lives with authenticity." Barbara De Angelis
-Zelda
