Day 38: New beginning please come!

So I must get a few things of my chest, in order of importance (the first needing to be said more than anything):
-I must must must end it COMPLETELY with Jake! We were supposed to see each other friday night, and just not to wait alone I went to a bar with friends. At ten thirty he tells me he won't come, having still a swollen mouth and no more motivation. Firstly, I am the motivation for his evening. Secondly, he could have known that before ten thirty. Thirdly, a guy who really likes a girl does not do that to her, no matter what condition he's in. So clearly he is not interested and I must give him up, completely!
-I'm in exams since last Monday, and my first oral exam is tomorrow. I cannot wait to get it over with because I know that then the next step is moving out and changing my entire lifestyle. So I better do a good job at these exams!!
-I have a blackberry now, and so I was writing to Jake, Diana and Emilia from it for the last 2 weeks. Of course I don't write to Jake anymore.

Getting stood up and sitting in the library are the only things going on for me right now. I do get to spend a lot of time with Phoebe, which is at least the good part of these exams!

-Zelda

Day 37: Alejandro!

I'm back!! Yes I took 2 weeks vacation even if in 10 days I have big exams! I went to Arizona and Utah and turned 18! On my birthday, I lived the unexpected (other than driving a fastboat). Jake wrote! I was sure he was going to forget it. So sure I didn't even think of expecting a message. The message quite cute and I was for sure suprised.
Other than that, I forgot to mention that my entire group of friends has forgotten our friend Rose. She robbed from Phoebe (more than money), ruined Phoebe's reputation for her own good and we realise only now that she's history that we're all better off. She has even left the uni I'm going to attend. No more people will think badly of us because of bad things she could have possibly said.
Yet today, Marina saw her in the city! Very unexpected. I wonder why she would come here even with her bad reputation. Maybe to serve her wealthy customers.
Other than that, Jake had told me he was going to go to Germany during the month of august so I expected not to see him this month, yet my sister saw him yesterday in front of starbucks... Strange. Why wouldn't he tell me so that we actually do see each other before uni? Always typical complicated Jake. I should leave him as he is and concentrate on my exams, which by the way is bloody hard.
My birthday gift is usually going to be a blackberry, but as usual, my mom is slow on getting it for me. My birthday was 10 days ago. Why doesn't she just move her butt and buy it? It's all I really want and I only asked for a blackberry and an expensive purse (which I'll probably never ever get). So far, nothing coming. Yet I've been asking for these presents for at least 8 months!! Everybody else gets that stuff faster... and usually I don't compare but it was my 18th birthday!!

So how shall I concentrate? I'm thinking od Jake,mydutch friend from New Year who wants to visit me and wants me to visit him in London, and my present I'm not getting. Sh*t.

Oh, just let me go, Alejandro!

-Zelda

Day 36: Suprise, Suprise!

I went out last week end and I only want to resume it by saying, I had a nice evening laughing with Andy and talking about everything with Jake.Like last time, he said he would call me, but it seemed a bit more sincere since he wasn't drunk. He was super sweet and really we had a great time talking even in different languages.
Next day, no call. Exactly what I expected.


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Jake called Thursday!! I'm astonished that he really did! He wanted to keep his promise and talk about Saturday, since he was coming. I've never been so happy!

Saturday evening was last night, and it was Emilia's Birthday. Andy was really all over me and didn't hide it, and I didn't think enough about what Emilia would think.. until she called this morning, saying it was rude to her that we spent so much time together, and that Andy was only being nice because Phoebe told him to stop.
Jake came at around 1.20 am. He wrote a few before he arrived and once he came and I gave him a VIP bracelet he was acting so adorably to me it was insane! He always let me walk in front of him, we talked for hours about everything, he ditched his ride home to spend time with me, we held hands when we walked out and to the other club, he went to his friends there but always wanted me right next to him... And we didn't kiss once. When he brought me to the taxis so that he could take his train I gave him a short kiss and like usual he ended the evening saying "I'll call you tomorrow!!". Except that afterwards he wrote me a sms saying he had a good evening and that I should get home well.
This morning Roxy tells me how crazy he is about me because he only talked about me and was super sensitive to whatever I wanted and cared so so so much. Funny because she thought I wasn't well off with him but now she's convinced we fit perfectly together.
Honestly, even if Collin was having a shitty evening somewhere else in the club and my annoying ex was close by and Emilia was pissed for something stupid, I had a GREAT evening. I've never been happier at his sides.

-Zelda

Day 35: Desperation hot & humid

I need to resume facts of 3 week ends into one blog post.
First week end Friday, I went to the city to meet up with Ally (who left quickly) and I waited to see whether I coud meet anyone else. While I was crossing the street, I see Jake, who stops me and asks me to go with them. Them was Jake, an italian friend who was at the ski resort, his ex Joss and a friend (quite popular girls). It was probably the most uncomfortable situation in the world for me. The girls left for about an hour and I was alone with Jake at starbucks. We talked like real friends would, and I was super happy. When the girls came back, we understood ourselves well, even though his ex asked some indiscreet questions. I left to see Liam, who like always is a cutie.

2 week-ends ago, I saw Mathew for a coffee but came 1 hour late. He was waiting in front of starbucks with Jake... great. I arrived and said hi to them, but after 2 minutes of hearing Jake's voice I told mathew that we should leave. Jake said "let's phone for tonight!!" (since we had nothing planned). He didn't call or call back. -100 points for him.
The next evening (saturday) I went to the movies with Liam and we had a drink. On our way to a different bar he kissed me for real! It was quite wierd and fun and interesting. We spent most of the evening in each others arms. The next day I wrote to see him, but he couldn't. I tried again 2 other days and each time a no. So it pissed me that a saturday he would rather spend time with dan than with me. To that he wrote that he didn't want to hurt my feelings and that he wasn't ready for a relationship. When have I ever talked about a relationship?? I told him he understood it all wrong, and yet he's not convinced with my arguments. I haven't written since (except fussball). What do I do?
Otherwise that Satudray I went to the club and saw Andy. Together we went to the club where Collin was (he writes without needing an invitation) and where Jake and his ex and their friends' were. He was cute but I was cold. He should have called me before and I didn't want to appear interested. I spent the evening with Collin in the club and when Jake left, he came up to me, started kissing me on the cheek and asked me who Collin was. When I said who cares, because he didn't call anyway, he said: I'll call you tomorrow, I swear!!"

We're Tuesday and OF COURSE he didn't call. Nor did Liam. And Collin's acting like every other day.
What should I do? Tell Jake that I'm sick of his behaviour and have it said? Call Liam so that we can stay friends? Hang with Collin so that I can feel a little bit happy?
Gosh, I wish I had all the answers. Right now, I have all the questions.

-Zelda

Day 34: A pedicure is like a fresh start

Last night I went to a kareoke bar to meet up with the usuals, and a few intersting things happened thoughout the night that I need to write down:
- When Liam arrived, and we went outside, we saw Collin and we all spoke a little before joining Collin in a different bar (not for long). If only these two clueless guys knew what I was thinking of each of them!
- When I was standing at the bar with Phoebe, Liam and a few others I noticed a girl looking harshly at me. I could have sworn I knew that face, for she looks exactly like Jake's exgirlfriend! She kept looking at me with a really wierd face, and I had the feeling she was comparing me because she kept talking to the guys right after looking.
-After a nice beginning with Liam, I was hoping it would be the night where we would get closer. So after a commentary about what he promised on Monday, he gave me a kiss on the lips. I was so stunned and so embarrassed that he actually did that that all I could do was give a kiss back. I don't know why it didn't go any further but I think it was because we were completely uncomfortable. I still like him sosososo much so I was the first to write so I could make it all normal again. I'm hoping on kissing him soon though! He's so sweet to me!
- I wrote to Jake during the evening( I know I shouldn't), but it was a short, cold, lame message "At the club by any chance?". He directly (2 seconds later) wrote that he stayed at uni to work and that he was coming next week end.. We had a few more messages but they're not so important.
- I told Andy that we tried to kiss and it was unconfortable and when he saw me give him a wierd wannabe-kiss at Liam's departure, Andy made fun of me (not in a mean way of course). As I was telling him what was going on, he put his arms around me and all over me and got very close... too close. I thought it was cute but mostly done to make Liam jelous. Idiot friends sometimes.
-When I left with almost everybody, I saw David (a friend of Collin) in front of the club. We had already seen each other last time we went out and he was funny and nice to me. Once again he was cute and didn't want me to go home too soon. Tonight he wrote me asking if I would want to go out. We're Monday. I have school for one month and never again. Phoebe thinks he's interested. Is he?

Short evening but a lot happened, as always. My thought are turning mostly around Liam, whose really becoming my main interest. Secondly Jake, who is like a puppy and stopped all games because I've decided to be the master (I better now). Thirdly, David, who is showing interest even though his buddy Collin was always the intersted one.

-Zelda

Day 33: 2nd round of confusion

Things happen for a reason, right? Why is then nothing happening with Liam and me for the moment? We had a cute date on a wednesday, we go clubbing together, he came over to my house in the middle of the night. But even though you would think nothing should hold us back from jumping at each others necks, he doesn't get further than giving me hugs. HUGS. Even Andy tried more. I'm giving all the good signals (I think) and yet we're not going anywhere. I really believe he's interested just by his cute commentaries and his jelousy of Jake (and vice versa). My mom told me he was probably too shy, gay, or not interested.
Monday night after he came over and did nothing but be a cutie, I chatted with him. I told him he was the only drunk guy who didn't try to make out with me. He laughed and then asked me if he should have. I answered that he is cute and that I wouldn't have refused. He admitted being too shy and asked if we could have a drink on Friday. Wow another try there! Of course I'll try to see him and I invited him for saturday evening, where I'll do a kareoke and go clubbing and probably get drunk (*). He better step up his game!

Otherwise I am over the moon happy because I got accepted at the uni (where Jake and co. study) even though I had sent too late some documents. What a relief!! And that is the reason why I want to get drunk (*), just be able to cool down after one MONTH of killing impatience.

One thing wonders me though. I'm not sure whether I'm really going to that uni anymore. I started seeing law as a really good option for me, as it suits my arrogant personnality and my love for reading and hate for math. If I choose Jake's uni, I'd do management or International relations (I could do law too). Now what??
The confusion keeps sinking in because I am COMPLETELY giving Jake the impression that I'm not interested at all anymore. Everytime I see or talk to him I'm completely uninterested and all he says is "it's been so long!!". Right, 2 weeks? I've waited months to be able to see his face and I complained less.

"The most decisive actions of our life ... are most often unconsidered actions." Andre Gide

-Zelda

Day 32: Once a dreamer, always a dreamer

I spent a long week end with my family, only to realise how much I'm obsessed with Jake. While I was dreaming in the car and at night, only he came to my thoughts, yet also with of mixture of other almost-fictional people.
He's always the number one for me, unfourtunately for my health. I hope I can get off this drug. I so so so so badly want to write him or call him, see him and have him hug me and touch me again. It's annoying how powerless I feel, like there's no cure except time and distance: two things that come every month after I see him again and again...

I can bearly hold my hands back from my phone or from his profile. What's wrong with me? Am I there where I was months ago again??

-Zelda